A companion short story for my other story, Hidden Full Moon.
How many full moons have passed, I do not know. I have never seen any after the last one I saw. And upon remembering that, I looked up at the skies while waiting for the light to turn green. It was cloudless, and the full moon shone brightly. The light turned green and I walked on, listening to the footsteps of people I do not know as they crossed the road, while looking at the full moon and smiling at myself.
How many full moons have passed since you had left? No matter how much I try to lose count, my mind would remember the number of moons ever since that beautiful full moon I have seen with you. And that moon is probably the most beautiful I have seen.
We were together at my house after a long, noisy and enjoyable farewell party we had with our friends. It was after we had cleaned up all the mess that we felt the sudden null, the silence brought by our friends going home. And then reality hit us, you were leaving.
Sitting by the window, you noticed the moon and pointed it to me. It had been a while since I had looked up at the sky and seeing the beautifully glowing full moon, I remembered that cheesy (though hopeful) line I heard somewhere and told it to you, that no matter how far apart we are, we are under the same sky and connected with our hearts. I know, it was cheesy but that was what I thought that time.
Ever since then, it had become my habit to look at the sky, the moon. And for the first time, I learned to appreciate its phases because in every change in it reminds me that time is moving and the day that you would be home comes closer.
While meeting up with our friends, celebrating every occasion with them with you on the phone or Skype, I did my best not to be lonely and forget that emptiness growing inside me, the emptiness that was caused by your absence.
I tried drowning myself with work. I tried to forget about the fact that you were nowhere close and focused on that day you would come back to me. But the more time passed by, the more full moons I count, the more I felt the emptiness eating me up, eating all of me like how the moon wanes from a full moon to a new moon.
And it was one of those moonless nights that I came up with the idea of following you. The emptiness, the absence was becoming too much for me that I might end up breaking down, collapsing and I was afraid that I might not be able to revive myself again.
I did everything I could do to follow you, even up to the point of leaving everything behind and simply go to the place where you were. But my everything was not enough. That or the heavens were just against it, the world was against it, against to me following you, going to where you were.
During one of those nights when I was searching for a moon and found none, I remembered that full moon that we shared together, the cheesy line I told you and my physics assignment in high school about the moon, that the moon is attracted to the Earth and is falling freely towards it, and that the moon revolves around the Earth. You were my Earth, and I was the moon. My center was you, and should you be gone, I would lose track, I would get lost. Darn this. Your absence had transformed me to a cheesy geek that makes cheesy lines out of scientific explanations of things.
But upon realizing that, I just had to stop and rethink things. I was losing sight of myself. I was starting to forget who I was before you came in to my life. I was already losing it all to you, as if you gradually took away bits of me without me knowing. I had to search myself back, bring back whatever I had before you took everything from me lest the emptiness will completely devour me and I become nothing but an empty shell. I was scared.
I decided to go to a journey of searching for myself again. I know I am not a teenager to do soul searching but I just have to, I need to. To satisfy myself and stop all the fears and uncertainty I was feeling about myself that has just piled up inside of me.
I tried meeting up with old friends. We went out together, and I found someone whom I found my old self. We shared the same interests and hobbies leading to going to concerts together, eating lunch out, and having simple chats while having milk tea.
During that point on my journey, I stopped contacting you. I wanted to find myself without your influence knowing that if I hear your voice, heard any news about you, I would return back to the me that was being slowly eaten by your absence, to a moon revolving around the Earth and reflecting the light of the Sun.
As the day of your return came closer, I became scared again. I did not know what I should do, what I want to do. But with a stroke of luck, I was given more time to think. I was assigned to go on a business trip for a few days giving me that allowance of time I think I need and separating me from everything leaving me only with work.
I thought, I contemplated, I reflected, I meditated. I did whatever means I had to clear my mind and to come up with a decision.
And so my business trip ended, I went home and saw how the cloudy skies were covering up the stars and the full moon. Then the doorbell rang. I knew that it was you, I sensed it, I felt the gravity pulling me. But no, I had to stay, I had to stand by my decision, I would keep on my journey. Please God, let me have that strength. I mouthed ‘no’ to my aunt, and she closed the door. Her look to me was meaningful, I know what it was she wanted to say but I would stay by my stand. I would.
But the moment when I heard the sound of heavy rain, I glanced at the window and briefly saw you staring at the covered full moon and water flowing on your cheeks. As you turned your back to walk, I suddenly stood up and rushed to the door and I went out, looking at your back as you walked away. I wanted to say your name and reach out for you but I remembered my resolve and silently went back inside, dripping wet from tears of the skies and my own.
I once again kept myself busy, either by working or by playing. And every time I would hear from my aunt that you came looking for me, I just could not help it and I always find myself either in tears or in a daze.
Days and nights passed. I could not remember well what happened during those times. All I know was that I kept myself busy, so busy that I would not have the time to think about you and weaken my resolve of rebuilding myself.
*****
I was with one of my old friend and the sky was once again cloudy but the moon was full. We were from a party and my friend was a bit tipsy. To help my friend cross the street, I held my friend’s hand. As we were waiting for the light turn green, I thought I saw you. And as we were crossing the street, our eyes met, and yet you did not even turned around, while I was looking back at you the whole time I was crossing the street. And when we reached the other side and have taken a few steps more, I looke back again, and you were nowhere in sight.
I remember how fast my heart beat that time and how my friend complained about my hard grip. I needed to control myself. At that point, nearly everything I had worked for would crumble into fine dust. But I still have to stay firm, just a bit more. Just a little bit more.
*****
I continued on with my journey, searching for myself and whether I am fine with the way I am, whether I am becoming worthy of you, whether I am ready to face you again.
It was an alternating cycle of work, friends, and time alone. And time came and I had reached my decision after taking a long detour.
*****
It was a cloudless night with the sky adorned with a beautiful full moon. I was running to catch up the changing of the traffic lights. I could hear the sound of my own footsteps different from all the people walking around, I was running. And my footsteps sounded agitated. And yes, I was agitated, agitated to meet you who is probably listening to the footsteps of the crowd, thinking that the sound of these footsteps all belong to people unknown to you.
But you are wrong, among those footsteps you hear, I am one of them, and I am chasing after you.
Listening Stories 